Setting Boundaries in Grief: Protecting Your Energy While Healing
Not all support is helpful. Learn to recognize unhelpful support, set protective boundaries, and prioritize your healing needs during grief.
Key Takeaways
- Grief boundaries are essential self-care, not selfishness. Setting limits protects your energy for healing.
- "Grief brain" is real. Research shows bereavement affects cognitive function, making boundary-setting both harder and more necessary.
- Not all support helps. Recognizing toxic positivity and unhelpful advice empowers you to protect your emotional wellbeing.
- Simple scripts work. Phrases like "I appreciate your care, but I'm not ready to discuss this" can gently but effectively protect your energy.
- Your boundaries will evolve. What you need at six months may differ from what you need at eighteen months, and that's completely normal.
Reflections on love, loss, and the ways we hold them.
In the early weeks of grief, the world keeps spinning even when your own feels unbearably still. Friends mean well. They offer advice, solutions, timelines. You should get out more. Try therapy. You must be feeling better by now. Their intentions are tender, but for many of the bereaved, this flood of noise can feel like too much, too soon.
One client of mine, Liza, told me she began saying yes to everything—lunches, check-ins, invitations she dreaded, because she didn’t want to disappoint anyone. “I was exhausted,” she said. “It felt like everyone needed something from me when I barely had anything left.” Her experience is far more common than people realize.
Grief changes how the brain works. Researchers call it “grief brain.” A temporary state where memory, focus, and emotional bandwidth are all compromised. When your internal world is consumed with trying to understand absence, you simply don’t have the same capacity to manage other people’s questions, expectations, or timelines. This is why boundaries aren’t acts of withdrawal; they are acts of survival.
Many families also discover that simplifying decisions helps protect their limited energy. For some, choosing solidified remains through Parting Stone offers unexpected peace, an option that reduces ongoing decision-making while giving family members something tangible, comforting, and sharable. One widowed mother told me, “Holding a stone was easier than holding the weight of a thousand questions. It gave me something gentle.”
In grief, boundaries are a form of love. Love for yourself, for your healing, and for the person you lost. They create the quiet space where true mourning, and eventual meaning-making, can unfold.
Cathy Sanchez Babao
Parting Stone Grief Coach
When someone you love dies, the world doesn't stop. But you might need it to.
Instead, well-meaning friends and family members often flood you with advice, questions, and opinions. Have you considered therapy? You really should get out more. It's been six months; you must be feeling better by now. Their intentions may be loving, but the impact can be exhausting.
If you've found yourself nodding along to suggestions that feel wrong, agreeing to gatherings you dread, or listening to advice that makes you feel worse, you're not alone. Many families discover that grief boundaries become essential to protecting the energy they need to heal.
This isn't about pushing people away. It's about creating the space you need to grieve in your own way, in your own time.
You're Not Alone in Wanting Something Better
If you're here, you likely understand something that 75 million Americans are still discovering: traditional cremated remains often create more anxiety than comfort.
Families who choose solidified remains share a common understanding: your loved one deserves better than to be hidden away in a closet, garage, or basement. They deserve a memorial that you can interact with, share with family members, and incorporate into the meaningful moments of your life.
These families understand that premium memorial solutions aren't about spending more—they're about choosing something that actually serves the emotional needs of grief and healing.
Why Is Setting Boundaries Important During Grief?
Grief fundamentally changes how your brain functions. Researchers call it "grief brain," and it's not just a feeling. Neuroscience studies have documented that bereavement affects cognitive function, attention, and memory (O'Connor, 2019). The brain struggles to process the reality that someone who was always there is permanently absent.
Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor, a pioneering grief researcher at the University of Arizona and author of The Grieving Brain, explains that grief is actually a form of learning (O'Connor, 2024). Your brain must update thousands of predictions about the presence of your loved one, and this process requires enormous cognitive and emotional resources.
What does this mean practically? It means that on top of processing the most painful experience of your life, you have fewer resources available for navigating difficult conversations, making decisions, or managing other people's emotions about your loss.
This is precisely why boundaries matter so much during grief. As researcher Brené Brown has observed: "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others" (Brown, 2013). During grief, this courage isn't optional. It's necessary for survival.
Boundaries aren't walls. They're filters that help you conserve energy for what matters most: your healing journey.
@ohthatjenny If you would like more information on Parting Stone and the process please dont hesitate to ask. I feel so confident that Chris would love this way of keeping his memory alive. He is SO missed and loved still and always. #partingstone #partingstones #lifeafterloss #griefandloss @PartingStone
♬ original sound - Jenny
How to Recognize Unhelpful Grief Support
Not all support actually supports you. Sometimes the people who love you most offer comfort that inadvertently causes more pain. Understanding common patterns of unhelpful support can help you recognize when you need to protect yourself.
Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity occurs when people insist on maintaining a positive outlook at the expense of acknowledging genuine pain. You might recognize it in phrases like:
- "At least they're not suffering anymore."
- "Focus on the good memories."
- "You need to stay strong."
- "Look on the bright side."
These statements, however well-intentioned, invalidate the reality of your grief. Research from grief counseling literature shows that attempting to suppress or "positive-vibe" through grief can actually prolong the healing process (What's Your Grief, 2023). Your grief deserves to be witnessed, not minimized.
Unsolicited Advice
Everyone seems to have an opinion about how you should grieve. You should join a support group. You shouldn't be alone. You should clean out their closet. You shouldn't make any big decisions. While some advice may eventually prove helpful, receiving it before you're ready can feel like an added burden rather than a gift.
Timeline Pressure
Perhaps most damaging is the subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure to grieve on someone else's schedule. Comments like "It's been three months; are you feeling any better?" or "When do you think you'll be ready to date again?" impose arbitrary timelines on a process that has no fixed endpoint.
The truth? There is no standard timeline for grief. The Dual Process Model of grief, developed by researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, suggests that healthy grieving involves oscillating between confronting the loss and taking breaks from grief (Djelantik et al., 2023). This process unfolds differently for everyone.
Emotional Labor Demands
Sometimes the people around you, struggling with their own grief or discomfort, unconsciously ask you to manage their feelings. You may find yourself comforting others about your loss, reassuring anxious friends that you're "fine," or tiptoeing around family members who can't handle seeing you sad.
This emotional labor depletes resources you need for your own healing.
Types of Grief Boundaries You Can Set
Understanding the different categories of boundaries can help you identify where you need protection. Many families find it helpful to think about boundaries in these areas:
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries involve what you share, with whom, and when. You get to decide:
- Who you talk to about your grief
- How much detail you share about your loved one's death or your feelings
- When you're willing to have deep conversations versus when you need lightness
Sophie, Texas 🖤 shared how boundaries around emotional sharing helped her family: "Everyone in our family grieves differently. Having the ability to offer everyone a special something was so impactful. Some of our grandchildren wanted small stones and others wanted larger stones. Mine was small and fits so nicely in the palm of my hand. Really special prayer moments when grief is overwhelming at times."
Time Boundaries
Grief requires time and space. Time boundaries protect your schedule and energy by limiting:
- The length of visits or phone calls
- How often you attend social gatherings
- When you're available to discuss your loss
You might decide that you'll take calls from certain family members only on weekends, or that you'll stay at holiday gatherings for two hours maximum.
Information Boundaries
You have complete control over what information you share about your loved one's death, illness, or final days. Some people find comfort in sharing details; others find it retraumatizing. Neither approach is wrong.
If someone asks questions that feel intrusive, you have every right to decline. "I'm not ready to talk about that" is a complete sentence.
Decision Boundaries
Grief impairs decision-making capacity. Protecting yourself from pressure to make major decisions, whether about finances, living arrangements, or memorial choices, can be crucial for your wellbeing.
Mary, Arizona 🖤 described how taking time with decisions mattered: "Friends and family joyfully accept and even request parting stones. Some to keep, some to leave at places memorable to them and our departed loved one. As a widow, I found solidified remains to be a valuable and comforting way to grieve, to remember shared experiences and to invite my late husband along on new adventures."
Energy Boundaries
Perhaps most fundamental are energy boundaries: protecting your capacity to function. This might mean:
- Declining to host holiday gatherings
- Stepping back from volunteer commitments
- Saying no to additional work responsibilities
- Limiting time with people who drain you
Vicki, Michigan 🖤 discovered the importance of energy boundaries after losing her mother: "One of my best friends lost her daughter, and she heard about Parting Stone through the funeral home. One day when I was at her home, she showed me 'her daughter.' It was clear that having the lovely stones really comforted her. I was responsible for my mother's remains, and they had just been sitting there in a box, in a plastic bag. I had not even opened the box after taking possession of them. I thought looking at ashes would be too difficult."
@chloebluffcakes Thank you @partingstone 🤍 youve given me an unimaginable gift. One day I will share these with my little sister and carry her wherever we go in life together. #grief #partingstone #loss
♬ Repeat Until Death - Novo Amor
How Do You Set Boundaries While Grieving?
Setting boundaries during grief can feel overwhelming, especially when your cognitive resources are depleted. The following approach offers a gentle framework.
1. Identify what drains you. Pay attention to which interactions, obligations, or conversations leave you feeling worse. These are signals that a boundary may be needed. You don't need to analyze or justify your reactions. Simply notice them.
2. Start with one boundary. Rather than overhauling all your relationships at once, choose one area where you most need protection. Perhaps it's limiting phone calls from a particular relative, or declining to discuss your loved one's final days.
3. Use simple, clear language. Boundaries don't require lengthy explanations. Brief, kind statements work best:
- "I appreciate your care, but I'm not ready to discuss this."
- "I need some time alone to process."
- "That advice doesn't feel helpful right now, but thank you for thinking of me."
- "I'm not up for visitors today."
- "I'll reach out when I'm ready to talk about that."
4. Prepare for pushback. Not everyone will respect your boundaries immediately. Some people may feel hurt or confused. Remember that their reaction belongs to them. Your responsibility is to communicate clearly; their acceptance is their own work.
5. Allow boundaries to evolve. What you need at three months may differ from what you need at one year. As grief researchers note, grief is not linear. Give yourself permission to adjust your boundaries as your needs change.
Parting Stone Editors
Dealing with Guilt About Setting Boundaries
If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, you're in good company. Many people experience significant guilt when prioritizing their own needs, especially during grief when emotions run high and relationships feel fragile.
Here's what's important to remember: Protecting yourself protects your ability to heal.
When you deplete all your energy managing other people's expectations, you have nothing left for your own grief work. Boundaries aren't selfish; they're the foundation of sustainable healing.
Research by Brené Brown found that the most compassionate people are also the best at setting boundaries (Brown, 2010). This may seem counterintuitive, but it makes sense. People who clearly understand their own limits can give more generously within those limits, without resentment.
One way to reduce the number of boundary negotiations you face is to simplify decisions wherever possible. Many families find that reducing the decisions surrounding their loved one's remains helps protect their energy. When the time feels right, some discover that transforming cremated remains into solidified remains through services like Parting Stone (an 8 to 10 week process) eliminates ongoing decisions about what to do with ashes while making it possible to share remains among family members without negotiation or conflict.
Bonnie, Michigan 🖤 described this experience: "There have been many ways that this process was the right thing for us. I can keep a bowl of stones on the mantelpiece and to hold a smooth stone is comforting. I was able to share the stones with loved ones as well. Both of his sons keep a stone in their trucks and sometimes in their pockets. A close friend created a shadow box with my husband's picture and stone in it that they keep in their home."
Whatever decisions you face, give yourself permission to defer, delegate, or decline until you're ready.
Parting Stone Editors
When to Seek Additional Support
While boundaries can protect your energy, grief sometimes requires more support than self-care alone can provide. Consider reaching out for professional help if:
- You find it impossible to function in daily life for extended periods
- You're experiencing thoughts of self-harm
- Grief feels as intense after many months as it did in the first weeks
- You're using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to cope
- You feel completely isolated and unable to connect with anyone
Grief support groups, individual therapy with a grief-informed counselor, and programs like What's Your Grief or GriefShare can provide structured support during this difficult time.
Remember: seeking help is itself a form of boundary-setting. It says, "My wellbeing matters enough to prioritize."
Your Grief Journey Belongs to You
The people in your life generally want to help. Their advice, their presence, their attempts to cheer you up usually come from love. And yet, their love doesn't obligate you to accept support that doesn't actually support you.
Setting grief boundaries is an act of self-compassion. It's recognizing that you are navigating one of life's most difficult passages and that you get to decide what helps and what doesn't.
Your grief journey is yours. No one else can walk it for you, and no one else gets to dictate how you walk it. In protecting your energy, you protect your capacity to heal, to honor your loved one's memory, and eventually, in your own time, to carry that love forward into your continuing life.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you set boundaries while grieving?
Setting boundaries while grieving involves identifying what drains your energy, communicating your needs clearly and kindly, and giving yourself permission to prioritize your healing. Start by noticing which interactions leave you feeling worse. Then use simple phrases like "I'm not ready to discuss that" or "I need time alone." Remember that you don't owe explanations for your boundaries, and allow them to change as your needs evolve.
Is it okay to say no when you're grieving?
Absolutely. Saying no is not only acceptable during grief; it's often essential. Grief depletes your cognitive and emotional resources, making it impossible to meet every expectation or obligation. Saying no to what doesn't serve your healing protects your ability to say yes to what does. This isn't selfish. It's self-preservation.
Why is setting boundaries important during grief?
Grief affects brain function, reducing your capacity for decision-making, emotional regulation, and managing relationships (O'Connor, 2019). Boundaries protect the limited energy you have, preventing others from depleting resources you need for healing. Research shows that clear boundaries actually support compassion and connection by preventing resentment and burnout.
How do you deal with unhelpful grief support?
First, recognize that most unhelpful support comes from good intentions. People often don't know what to say and default to platitudes or advice. You can respond with gentle redirection: "I know you mean well, but that doesn't feel helpful right now." For persistent patterns, you may need firmer boundaries about what topics you will and won't discuss, and with whom.
What are signs you need better boundaries in grief?
Signs include: feeling resentful after interactions with certain people, dreading phone calls or visits, feeling exhausted after social obligations, saying yes when you mean no, and spending more energy managing others' feelings than processing your own. If you feel like you're performing "okayness" for others while struggling privately, stronger boundaries may help.
Can grief boundaries harm relationships?
Healthy boundaries can actually strengthen relationships by preventing resentment. When you're clear about your needs, others can support you more effectively. Some people may initially feel hurt or confused by your boundaries, but those who truly care will ultimately respect your need to protect yourself. Relationships that cannot survive healthy boundaries may have been draining you in ways that become clearer during grief.
About the Editor
Cathy Sanchez Babao is a Grief Coach at Parting Stone, a grief educator, counselor, author, and columnist who has dedicated her career to helping individuals and families navigate loss. She writes the “Roots and Wings” column for the Philippine Daily Inquirer and is the author of Heaven’s Butterfly and Between Loss and Forever: Filipina Mothers on the Grief Journey. Cathy holds a B.S. in Business Administration and Management from Ateneo de Manila University and an M.A. in Family Psychology and Education from Miriam College, with advanced grief training at the Center for Loss & Life Transition and the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University.
References
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This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you're struggling with grief, please reach out to a qualified grief counselor or mental health professional.
